The Best Fanfiction Ever, told by thermos-obsessed fandom trash
by Coconut Joe
Summary: This is a fanfic written by a bored, ghost-obsessed girl with an inability to write good fanfiction and way too much time on her hands. Join Shadekit, as she navigates a Clan of crazy people and idiots who keep telling her she was a great destiny and calling her Starkit. Fun for the whole family! Batteries not included.
1. Introduction by the world's worst person

(AW YES.)

(Time to write some fanfic)

(But I can't write Fanfic)

(OH JOOOOOYYY.)

Once upon a tim, there was some girl who got bored and decided to write fanfic. This girl, of course, was complete fandom trash and attempted to make that her username, but alas, it was taken. A tragic tale.

The girl was also absolutely terrible at writing fanfiction (yet was somehow perfectly competent at writing original fiction) but decided to write the BEST fanfiction, even though it's probably going to be complete and utter garbage worse than the monstrosity that was My Immortal.

So this girl, to get the creative process started, watched Osmosis Jones because who doesn't want to watch Osmosis Jones?

She then proceeded to get super triggered because Osmosis Jones never actually preforms Osmosis. Thanks a lot, movie.

So she sat down at her computer, got the sugariest, most caffeine-filled beverage she could possibly find (as all the weird s*** that happens in fanfic is much easier to understand when you've killed off half your brain cells) and wrote FANFICTION.

This is the fanfic that she wrote.

Enjoy.

don't hate me plz


	2. 100 Grade-A Prologue

Dapplerain gazes lovingly down at her newborn kits. A small black-and-grey tabby stretches her tiny jaws in a silent yawn. Her sister, a tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat, bats her on the nose, while their brother, a fluffy dark brown tabby wails in displeasure and bites the tortoiseshell's tail. Dapplerain smiles. They're acting like siblings already.

Her mate, Roseclaw, pads into the nursery. He touches noses with Dapplerain.

"Hello, dearest," he says (in a voice smooth as honey, as some would put it), "have you thought of any names?"

"Yes," says Dapplerain, "I'd like to name this one-"

"GUYS," Lightningtail, RiverClan's inherently weird medicine cat, bursts into the den with her apprentice, Tawnypaw, blushing with embarassment and shaking her head.

"What is it, Lightningtail?" asks Dapplerain, rolling her eyes.

"StarClan. Gave. Me... A PROPHECY."

"Oh they did, did they?"

"YES." Lighningtail whips out a standard yellow paper folder. "And it is 100% REAL."

Tawnypaw sighs.

"Oh, do tell," says Dapplerain, "let me guess. My kits have magical powers and are destined to save the Clans?"

"Well, actually..." Lighningtail opens the folder professionally. "Ahem... Out of the Darkness, Stars will Come-"

"NO."

"But-"

"WE ARE NOT GOING THROUGH THAT NIGHTMARE AGAIN."

"But you need-"

"HER NAME IS SHADEKIT AND THAT'S FINAL!" screeches Dapplerain. Lightningtail backs out of the den slowly. Tawnypaw stands awkwardly at the entrance.

"I'll- uh- tell you if there's a _real_ prophecy," she says, and dashes after Lightningtail.

Dapplerain huffs. "Damn right you will," she says.

"So..." Roseclaw shifts his paws nervously.

"Right, dear," Dapplerain looks at him lovingly. "Shadekit for the black and grey tabby. Lilykit for the tortoiseshell, and you can name the last one."

Roseclaw stares at the tiny male kit. He gulps. He's terrible at naming things.

"Uh... how about... Chadney...?"

Dapplerain sighs. "I'll name them, then. They'll be... Nightkit."

"Uh... lovely name."

"I know." Dapplerain licks Nightkit on the forehead. He wraps his tiny forepaws around her muzzle and attempts to eat her nose. Dapplerain laughs and gently nudges him off.

Dapplerain could sense something special about these kits. No, it wasn't motherly bias, and Dapplerain swore she would take anyone who passed it off as motherly bias and RIP THEIR STARCLAN-AWFUL FACES OFF, THE LITTLE PIKE-FACED FISH-BRAINED SNAKE-HEARTS.


	3. Chapter 1

Shadekit stretches, blinking against the sunlight. Lilykit, her sister, sits nearby, admiring herself in a pool of water. Nightkit stares at an MP3 player, having a severe mental battle over weither or not to listen to Evanescence.

"GUYS." Willowpaw the incredibly cool blind apprentice falls into the nursery due to tripping over a root.

"WHAT." Lilykit looks up from her pool. Nightkit throws the MP3 player out the window.

"Tomorrow's your apprentice ceremony!"

"Wait, it's been six moons already?" Shadekit asks, "we were literally just born in the last chapter."

Willowpaw shrugs. "Hey, I dunno how time works here. I'm literally from a different dimension."

Shadekit gives Willowpaw a concerned look. Willowpaw looks as if she's realized something.

"Right. Forget I said anything." She hops out of the nursery, falls on her face, and grumbles something about the multiverse being stupid.

Shadekit sighs. "Are we really gonna be 'paws tomorrow, or is this some sick joke?"

"It's today," says Dapplerain.

"WAIT WHAT."

"I'm so happy! My little kits have grown up!"

"BUT IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY."

"I'm sure you'll become the best warriors!"

"WHAT THE FIBBLE IS GOING ON."

Lilykit pads up to Shadekit. "I dunno, either."

"ALL CATS OLD ENOUGH TO SWIM, GATHER BENEATH THE HIGHLEDGE FOR A CLAN MEETING!"

Shadekit sighs and pads out of the nursery.

"From this day on, your name will be Shadepaw." Cloudstar touches her nose to Shadepaw's shoulder. "I see much potential in you, so I shall mentor you. I can tell you'll be a great warrior."

"Shadepaw! Lilypaw! Nightpaw!" the cries of the Clan ring throughout the camp. Shadepaw steps down from the Highledge.

"BRO." Nightpaw runs up to her. "You're getting mentored by the freakin' LEADER!"

"YES, WE KNOW THAT NIGHTPAW SO SHADDUP," says Lilypaw.

"She's just jealous because she got Emberfoot," whispers Nightpaw.

"I AM NOT!"

"Starpaw!" Cloudstar hops down from the highledge. "It's time we begin training."

"Actually, my name is-"

"Come, Starpaw. I'll meet you at the Beech Copse." Cloudstar pads away.  
"What the heck was that?" asks Shadepaw, confused.

"What was what?" asks Lilypaw.

"That! You know- it was- well- _that!_ "

" _That_ was Cloudstar talking to you. Now I'd better go. Honeybreeze is calling me." Lilypaw walks off in the direction of the Beech Copse.

"Nightpaw, did you— ?"

"Yep. Never thought anyone could mispronounce 'Shadepaw'. Maybe if you spelled it 'Shdaepaw', I guess."

"SHE WAS CALLING ME STARPAW."

"…and?"

"AND MY NAME IS _NOT_ STARPAW."

"Sure it is, Starpaw."

"Oh no, not you too!"  
Nightpaw laughs. "I'm just kidding. Now go on, Cloudstar's waiting for you."

"Somethin' tells me she wouldn't care if I took all moon."

"Just go already."

Shadepaw sniffs. "Fine."

She dashes off in the diresction of the Beech Copse.

"Ah, there you are, Shadepaw!" Cloudstar ushers her over.

"Just two minutes ago you were calling me Starpaw."

"No, I was not. Last I recall, your name is Starpaw."

"You just did it there?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

Shadepaw's head starts to swim. Not literally, of course.

Suddenly, she is thrown into a vision! Fighting cats swarm around her, fighting. She blacks out.


	4. Chapter Second

"Shadepaw… Shadepaw!"

Shadepaw opens her eyes. "Wh… what just happened?"

Lightningtail looks ecstatic. "You've awakened your clairvoyant powers! Just like in the prophecy!"

"What prophecy?"

"You know, the one in the prologue?"

"You mean 'Out of the Darkness, Stars will—"

"No no no. Not that one! I mean the other one!"

"What other one?"

"The one that will probably never be mentioned."

"Oh, because _that_ makes sense."

"You are destined to save the Clans, Shadepaw! And become a great leader! And have kickass powers!"

"Wait, what."

"I know! It is incredible!"

"Lightningtail, are you sure you're not just crazy?"

"I am not! Tawnypaw saw it too!"

Shadepaw glances over at Tawnypaw for confirmation. She nods.

"My god, these cats are insane," mutters Shadepaw. She turns back to Lightningtail.

"Kickass powers? But we're _cats!_ Last I recall, cats don't normally- you know- _do magic._ "

"Ahem," says every magical cat to ever exist in literature.

"Except you," says Shadepaw.

"Now," says Lightningtail, "allow me to go on a tangent about how awesome you are!"

Tawnypaw sighs. "I'll make tea." She pads out of the medicine den, shaking her head and muttering to herself.

"So… what _are_ my powers?"

"Let's see… if my calculations are correct—"

"Just get to the point."

"Fine. Clairvoyance, shapeshifting, extreme healing powers, invincibility, and elemental control. Of course, there might be more than that, and you'll only discover these at incredibly plot-convenient times."

"Great StarClan," says Shadepaw, shaking her head.

"I know. It's great isn't it?" says Lightningtail, hopping around with excitement.

"No! It's not great! How much would it take to just be a normal warrior with a normal life?"

"Well you're not normal, Shadepaw," says Lightningtail, yellow eyes filled with overwhelming excitement. "You have… _destiny._ " She waves her paws in an arc.

"And _you_ have problems." Shadepaw turns to the entrance of the den. "I'm going."

"But I need to train you in your powers!"  
"Sorry, but right now, Cloudstar needs to train me in _hunting._ " Shadepaw leaves.

"But beware, Shadepaw!" yells Lightningtail, "The Dark Forest will stop at nothing to capture you!"

"Just shut up, Lightningtail," sighs Shadepaw. She turns around and is immediately greeted by…

Tigerstar!


	5. The Third Chatper

"I am Tigerstar!" Tigerstarred Tigerstar, "and I am going to kill ou!"

"Uh, buddy, I think you need to work on your spelling." Shadepaw tries to get around Tigerstar, but he blocks her path. She sighs in exasperation.

"Look, man. I get you're having fun, but I have stuff to do and would really appreciate it if you'd just—"

"NO!" yells Tiggerstar, "I said I'm going to kill you, so I will! I cannot have you interfering with our evil plans!"

"Evil— okay, what?"

"Evil plans to TAKE OVER THE FOREST!"

"…but this is the lake."

"TAKE OVER THE LAKE!"

"Okay, lovely. Just lemme past, and we can both be on our way."

"NO!"

Shadepaw sits down. "Mmkay. If you wanna be that way, be that way."

Tigerstar claws her on her leg.

"Hey! Geez!"

"I am Tigersar!"

"Yes, I get that you're Tigersar. Now _go away._ "

"BUT I NEED TO KILL YOU!"

"I said just _go away!_ "

Suddenly, the river explodes. Water washes over Tigerstar and drags him away.

"You may have defted me," he yowls, "but I'll be back!"

"Asshole," mutters Shadepaw. She stares at the river. "What in the name of StarClan did I just do?"

"You have awakened your elemental powers!" yells Lightningtail, who somehow heard what Shadepaw said.

"My god, not you again."

"You are developing your powers incredibly quickly! It is amazing!"

"Yeah, lovely. Can I go now?"

"Yes, you can—"

"SHADEPAW!"

Cloudstar rushes into the camp.

"IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME A WARRIOR!"


	6. Chapter 22

"Wait—I'm confused. You haven't even trained me yet!" says Shadepaw.

"I know, but you killed Tigerstar! You are speshil!"

"Uh…"

"ALL CATS OLD ENOUGH TO SWIM, GATHER BENEATH THE HIGHLEDGE FOR A CLAN MEETING!"

Cats gather around, whispering to themselves.

"It is time that a few cats receive their warrior names. Silverpaw! Come here."

Silverpaw steps onto the Highledge.

"For your kindness and intelligence, I name you Silverspirit. May StarClan light your path." Cloudstar touches noses with Silverspirit and she jumps off the highledge, eyes gleaming.

"Sunpaw! From this day on, you shall be Sunstrike, for your quickness and bravery in battle. May StarClan light your path."

Sunstrike pads over to Silverspirit. The two of them whisper excitedly.

"Badgerpaw! For your excellent tracking skills, you shall be Badgernose. May StarClan light your path."

Badgernose pads over to his mentor, Spottedsong. They touch noses.

"Willowpaw! For—whatever you have, you will be known as Willowshade. May StarClan light your path."

Willowshade grins and pads over to Shadepaw. She sits beside her silently.

"And finally, Shadepaw! Come here."

The Lilypaw and Nightpaw gasp. The rest of the Clan sits there nodding, like this is perfectly normal.

"From this day forth, you shall be—"

"Wait," whispers Shadepaw, "if you're going to make me a warrior, at least make my siblings warriors, too."

Cloudstar shrugs. "Okay."

"From this day forth, you shall be Shadeshimm—"

"Actually," Shadepaw interrupts her. "I'd rather you not call me… uh… _that._ How bout Shadewhisker?"

"You shall be—"

'WAIT!" Lightningtail's voice silences the Clan.

"Will people _please_ stop interrupting me?" mutters Cloudstar.

"She must be Shadefang! I saw it in a vision!" yells Lightningtail.

Cloudstar shrugs. "Don't see why not. From this day forth, yadda yadda yadda, you're Shadefang, now go home. May StarClan light your path or whatever. Next!"

Shadefang hops down from the Highledge, completely confused.

"Nightpaw, you'll be Nightstrike, Lilypaw, you're Lilydusk, now can I _please_ just go home?"

"Shadefang! Lilydusk! Nightstrike!" cheers the Clan. Cloudstar jumps off the Highledge, shaking her head.

Shadefang sighs. "Crazy day, huh?"

"Yeah. What kind of a name is Lilydusk?" says Lilydusk.

"At least yours doesn't sound like a Pokémon move," sighs Nightstrike.

"I guess the author just wanted to get our apprenticeships over with so she could show off her amazing naming skills."

"Yeah, she sucks," agrees Nightstrike.

The author then vows to misspell Nihgtstirk's name whenever possible.

"Hey!" complains Nightstike.

"I wonder what incredible adventures will be in store for us?" asks Gnatstrike. He immediately glares at the author for making him say that.

"Oh, _I don't know, Nightstripe,_ " says Lilydusk.

Nigelstrike sighs. This is going to be a long day.


	7. Author's Note

Congratulations on reading this far! Are you annoyed yet? Perhaps angry? Do you feel personally attacked or that I've disgraced the holy name of Fanfiction?

Then my job here is done!

But oh-ho, not quite yet. We must continue on with this FANFICTION. After all, don't you want to know what happens to Shadefang, the "wonderfully developed character"? Or Lilydusk, the girl? Or Nightsalsh, that one that everyone hates?

Love triangles, magic powers, unexplained cameos, and other clichés to come!

~Kitty


End file.
